Why I'm Not Fat

Word Count: 852, Time to Read: 3-5 minutes, Vulgarity: 6.5/10, Tough Love: 3/10

Let’s talk about fat, baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and all the bad things that may be…– Salty Hitchko.  

Before you get your granny panties in a bunch, first understand what the definition of fat is: “Having too much flabby tissue; corpulent; obese.” According to the Body Mass Index, fat is having a BMI greater than 25 (30 is considered over fatness), or a body fat percentage greater than 20% for males, and 30% for females. If you’re in BOTH of these ranges, then the chances are, you’ve got a little more cushion for the pushin. A little extra fat in the right places may be fun, but too much can be deadly. Do you want to die soon? This soft nation is so politically correct on everything! I’m counting the days until its offensive to call a little kid “cute”- STRANGER DANGER, STRANGER DANGER! I understand you’re a delicate little flower, so instead of unleashing holy hell on why YOU’RE fat, I’m going to analyze the fact why I’VE never been fat.

Let’s start with the three excuses people love, 1- genetics, 2-age, and 3- male. As for #1- there’s no argument here, my genetics are great. My mother has the skin of an angel, and my dad is a “GILF” (Grandpa I’d Like to Fuck). Could this have an impact on my lean mass? Yes. Could it also be that my parents gave us boys the following options growing up: after school you either A) do chores around the house or B) go to the gym with dad? Do I think I’ve never been fat because of these good genetics, or my parents instilling good behaviors?

2- Age. It’s no secret we’re dying; live each day to the fullest by smiling more, helping others, and never have regrets. Does age have an influence on muscle mass and producing fat blasting hormones? YES. Sarcopenia is the loss of muscle mass due to age; the older we get, the harder it is to maintain lean body mass. After the age of 30, we roughly lose 1% of testosterone yearly. At the prime age of 32, I’m at the pinnacle of my existence. But I will admit, I have to be more cautious than when I was a youngster. When I was twenty, I ate whatever I wanted (ohh you dirty dawg!) and hangovers were nonexistent. Today…… it’s not the same. In life, we need to listen to our bodies and adapt. I’ve learned to workout smarter, plan my eating habits, and better prepare for holiday weekends. Do you still get hangovers? Here’s the wisest investment I’ve ever made… PEDYLYTE. Hangovers, what hangovers?

3- Males are better, no argument here. We’re smarter, better looking, don’t need to express emotions, penis’s are prettier than vagina’s, and we have more fun… JOKING! (Or am I???) I love stirring the pot, RELAX. Guys, next time you’re in an argument, use this line, “Honey, stop being so irrational.  RELAX, you’re acting CRAZY, everything is fine, lets eat.”- It works wonders, I promise. Besides some hormonal differences (testosterone is 10-20x higher, and estrogen is higher in females), men and women are actually quite similar, physiologically. When comparing strength to muscle cross-sectional area, there’s no significant difference; females roughly have 2/3rds the strength as males. Females are more prone to ACL injuries in sport due to a wider Q angle (hip width), poor deceleration mechanics, and weak glutes. Besides the Q angle, these can be trained. Quite frankly, the gender excuse is bullshit. If you want a better metabolism, lift heavy weights. If you can’t do a Pull-Up, start trying to do them daily. By adding lean body mass (muscle), and training specifically, you’ll become a better machine. I promise you’ll be able to accomplish these feats! Hard work and patience pays dividends.

These aforementioned factoids MAY attribute to why I’ve never been fat, but how much? I believe the reason is from the P portion of S.P.I.N.E.- Psychology. Behavior mindset and creating positive habits may be the most overlooked aspect of fat loss. From an early age, I was a meathead in training. Those habits are still here twenty years later. Habits define who we are. If your habits blow, CHANGE THEM. I’ve enjoyed lifting heavy shit since I’ve been a kid and will continue to for the rest of my life. There’s no If’s, And’s, or But’s- I’ll make lifting weights a requirement. I work and flirt with the devil (social media, TV, etc) just as much as the person next to me, but I prioritize the rest of my schedule to make sure I train properly and effectively.

ENJOY LIFE AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT STUPID SHIT. 2015, and all the prior years were for excuses. 2016 is the year of being a successful badass, with lots of awesome monkey sex and positive habits (not STD positive, which would be bad). At the end of the day, you’re the only person holding yourself back.

DISCLAIMER: RESULTS MAY VARY FROM PERSON TO PERSON.