Word Count: 995, Time to Read: 5-8 minutes, Vulgarity: 7.5/10, Tough Love: 1/10
Honestly, what’s better than an orgasm? I can only think of three comparable things 1- A sneeze / popping a HUGE zit, 2- explosive diarrhea. Not just having the runs, I’m talking about the close calls (Dumb and Dumber). I had a close call once running around the Lafayette Reservoir (Bay Area). Half way around the lake, I got a bad case of runners shits. I tried my hardest to clinch my way back to my truck, but it was on the other side of the lake- I was screwed. I ended up poping-a-squat in the woods while a squirrel watched. His look of disgust made me feel like I murdered bambi! Let’s just say that run back to my truck with taco butt was not enjoyable. 3. Seeing your ex with a short ass dude who weighs 50lbs less than you. They may “look happy”, but it’s the equivalent of downgrading from a Lambo to a Camry- all you can do is chuckle about it. Individually I think 1-3 are the closest you can get to an orgasm, but still eons away. Now, what if you were to sneeze while having explosive diarrhea on your ex’s new partner? Hmmmm that would be a close call! Sorry for talking about poop, back to orgasms. I’m going to help you maximize your sex drive by making a few adjustments to your workout routine and diet.
Remember what it was like to be a horny high school kid? The undesirable conquest to hunt the world; it made you feel alive! That feeling of WANTING something so bad seems to dissipate as we become overwhelmed with work, stress, lack of sleep, trying to conform to societal norms, and a bunch of other stupid shit that really doesn’t equate to much. I’m here today to help you get that drive back.
What is a “sex drive”?
Birds do it and so do bees. Dolphin’s sexual behavior has been said to be similar to humans. Lions hump more than 50 times during the mating season (it’s only a few days). Sex drive is the urge to have sex. It’s like an itch that won’t go away until you “scratch it” aka jerky jerky jerky. When testosterone levels drop, your little wee wee doesn’t want to fill up with blood, nor does the well with water. We can’t have our happy parts deprived of the proper juices- that just ain’t right! Here are a few things that will LOWER your sex drive.
1. Lack of sleep. The average American gets 6.5 hours of sleep a night. Dr. Kirk Parsley, a sleep specialist, says it’s the equivalent of walking around with a BAC of .05. Nothing wrong with a BAC (I probably have one right now), but the lack of sleep lowers testosterone by disrupting the body’s natural restoration process – our cells and hormones cannot rejuvenate. Sleep more, or you’ll continue to have whiskey dick.
2. Stress. Working too much, smoking, drinking, traffic, and constantly worrying, all increase the fight or flight hormones (catecholamines and cortisol). Excessive cortisol has a tendency to store fat around our midline, shrink parts of our brain (hippocampus), and cause micronutrient deficiencies (these can lead to binge eating and/or cravings). You better figure out a way to manage your stress levels ASAP, because you’re literally killing yourself.
3. Chubby-Whubbyness. Having a high body fat percentage aka chubby-whubbyness can lower T levels. The new “soft skinny”, and “dad bod” isn’t fucking cool. A) You look like a beta (that’s opposite of Alpha, you’re basically Justin Bieber), B) you’re lowering your sex drive and for what? Being comfortable? CMON!
IT’S TIME TO GET THAT TINGLE BACK!
Here’s how you can increase your T levels, confidence, and most importantly, SEXY TIME!
1. Change your body image. Exercising PROPERLY (lifting heavy weights) and implementing high intense short bouts of cardio is step number one. This will add lean body mass and decrease your body fat percentage. Another much-needed benefit is that your self-confidence will increase. The simple notion of believing in yourself and becoming more confident will significantly increase testosterone levels (see workout at the end.)
2. Supplement with Zinc, Vitamin D, & Magnesium. Everyone needs more 8——–D. Get it? I made a penis out of the keyboard- chuckle chuckle. Consumption of more Zinc and Vitamin D have directly been correlated to increasing levels of testosterone (only if these levels are low, which they probably are.) Magnesium is another mineral that is deficient in the American diet. By taking Mg before bed, your racing thoughts will fade, and your muscles will begin to relax. I suggest taking ZMA before you go to sleep. Also, Vitamin D needs to be consumed with fat. Otherwise, you won’t be able to absorb its contents (Vitamins ADEK all need fat to be carried around in the blood.) Great sources of Zinc: Oysters, eggs, and red meat. Vitamin D: Fish, and mushrooms.
3. Visualization. Let my tree-hugging inner hippie come out for a second. When you change your mindset and believe you can do ANYTHING, the hardwiring in your brain changes. We’re a negative nation and that needs to change. It begins by visualizing what you want. Recently, I spent 15 minutes visualizing that I would pass my CSCS exam (I failed one of the portions in June). Naturally negative thoughts flooded my mind before I retook part of the six-hour exam i.e. I’m stupid, what if I fail again, you suck baboons balls. It took mental strength to quiet my mind and imagine success. I guarantee that if you spend 10-15 minutes daily owning your powerful mind, you’ll see that the world is at your mercy. Mental relaxation and visualization will not only help decrease stress levels, but more importantly, teach you how to OWN your thoughts.
Sex Drive Workout
3 non-consecutive days:
4 sets of 10 reps: Hip Thrusts, Bench Press, Bent Over-Rows, Military Press, Bicep Curls, Tricep Extensions, Pallofs
1 day of High Intense Sprints at a track:
Warm-up for 10-15 minutes: running / dynamic stretching.
6 x 40 yrd sprints (rest time will be the time it takes to walk back to the starting position)
4 x 100 yrd sprints
2 x 200 yrd sprints
1 x 400 yrd sprint (THESE ARE ALL PERFORMED AS IF BIGFOOT WAS RUNNING AFTER YOUR ASS)
Take 2016 by the balls and achieve what you want. Implement these strategies and before you know it, that twinkle in your eye (and pants), will return. Cheers to a year of humping!!